In Retrospect
by monochromatic days
Summary: "You saved me, again and again. And I couldn't do anything for you. I wonder who really was the one who was weak." Introspective moments on Nezumi's POV during Shion's stay with him.


**A/N: This has been bugging me for the entire day and my muse ran a marathon when I was writing this. Even thought it's pretty much a sad fic (I cried while writing this. Must be because I still couldn't take the ending) but I just had to write it. Enjoy it guys! :D**

**Disclaimer: If I owned NO.6, I would make Nezumi suffer more for leaving Shion behind as a single mother to take care of their child. Nuff said. So apparently I don't. **

**Summary: You saved me, again and again. And I couldn't do anything for you. I wonder who really was the one who was weak.**

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><p><strong><em>Nezumi's POV.<em>**

You were like an angel.

An angel that descended from the heavens that stormy night.

You had no idea how much it meant to me when you stitched me up, gave me food, shelter and, most importantly, warmth. Even though you knew that the Bureau of Peace wouldn't let you off so easily for sheltering a VC and not reporting it immediately, you still chose to help me.

I would never forget that kindness.

You taught me that there are still humans out there who were willing to help one another.

You showed me that.

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><p>You saved me again, when Elyurias' song hit me back then when I was on stage.<p>

I never wanted you to be there, not because I was afraid of you finding out what my job scope was. The theatre was filled with the kind of vermin that would gladly try to devour you with their filthy hands. I didn't want that.

You're an angel that descended from the heavens.

_Pure and innocent._

No matter how much I wanted you to see how ugly the real world really was like, and not be blinded by the lies that have been set by NO. 6, I never wanted you to be tainted by the truth.

"I don't want you to change. I just want you to stay who you are, as Shion."

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><p>I tried to be as distant to you as possible. It hurts me more then it hurts you, even though I may never show it. When we danced, I felt like nothing could have ruined the moment. Nothing, not even NO.6. But then I realized my folly.<p>

"An angel could never be with someone who as tainted like me."

Someone who had only felt hatred for the most part of his life.

Someone who had been living in solitude ever since his family had been taken away from him since young.

Someone who could never give you the emotional security you so richly deserved.

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><p>When I heard the news about Safu, I contemplated about telling you. I didn't want you to run off in a spur of a moment without proper planning and possibly get yourself killed.<p>

So I kept quiet.

I kept quiet and quickly planned for every single move carefully.

She was your childhood friend after all.

She would be the one who was able to give you the emotional security you needed.

She would be perfect for you.

But was that really what I was thinking of?

No. I was just being selfish. I didn't want you to go running back to her and leaving me alone.

I wouldn't be able to stand that!

Just this once, I wanted to be selfish. I wanted to keep you to myself but that would be impossible.

_How could an angel be with a tainted monster like me?_

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><p>Then that night happened. The day when you started on your little speech on how grateful you were to me, for letting you feel all the different feelings you never knew you had. You were telling me how happy you were to have met me.<p>

It was all a load of bull.

I knew you were lying.

You're just too transparent already.

A goodnight kiss?

Don't make me laugh!

You were just going to leave by yourself, alone. To do what I was afraid you would attempt.

_You were going to leave me behind._

That night, I couldn't sleep. I had to force myself to stay awake to catch you before you left.

I can't let you be in any danger.

_Never._

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><p>I felt that it was time.<p>

It was time that I showed you the truth. So I brought you to where the cave dwellers were, to learn about my past and my reasons.

I didn't know how it happened, but I just felt that you needed to know.

I know I said that we shouldn't get too close, because we may end up as enemies.

_But..._

* * *

><p>The Promised Day came.<p>

The day, when we made our move to infiltrate the Correctional Facility to save Safu.

When we were tumbling down the mountain of human bodies, I couldn't help but hold you tight to me. To prevent you from seeing this monstrosity that had been kept from you.

I wanted you to stay pure and innocent. To not have seen the perfect country you had loved, had grown up in, to be nothing but such a disgusting sight.

_I didn't want you to be tainted._

_I didn't want you to see the ugly sights that would take away the innocence of your eyes._

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><p>When you told me you could hear Safu's voice guiding us to her, I could see it in your face that she was truly the one who could make up happy.<p>

You deserved happiness, something that I could never give.

You deserved someone better then me.

_But I never wanted you to change Shion. I never wanted you to change.  
><em>

When I got shot, due to my carelessness.

When I had made a fatal mistake, you were there to save me again.

You actually picked up the gun, and shot the guy.

For me.

You killed a person, for me.

To save my life.

It was then when I completely broke down. You shot someone dead, just to protect me. If it wasn't for the fact that I was careless and distracted, you wouldn't have to soil your hands for me, the hands that had saved my life, shouldn't have been used to kill.

You wouldn't have had to live through with that guilt of taking away a life.

You don't deserve that.

I was there for a purpose. I was supposed to prevent this from happening! I was the only one that needed to shoulder this burden.

_I didn't want you to change, Shion. I'm sorry. I'm sorry._

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><p>You bandaged me up, yet again, and we made our way up to where Safu was supposed to be. But I didn't know that everything would turn upside down the moment we got there.<p>

Safu had awakened Elyurias within her. And I was supposed to destroy her, along with Mother.

You immediately reacted violently, saying that you would be the one who will destroy NO. 6.

The NO.6 that had taken Safu, a dear childhood friend, away from you.

But I couldn't let you do it. You weren't in the right state of mind to make decisions like this and it was my duty to free Elyurias, my duty as the last of the living forest folk. So I had no choice but to immobilize you and finish the deed with my own hands.

Before you could regain control of your body, the bomb was already planted and we were already safely in the lift, its doors closing and shielding us from the impact.

_I'm sorry, Shion. I'm sorry._

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><p>The moment we had time to catch our breaths, you immediately lashed out at me.<p>

I was shocked, at first, when you accused me of using the excuse of wanting to save Safu to destroy the Correctional Facility that I had hated so much.

At the same time, I was also hurt. Hurt that you would think of me this way.

But I realised, it was the best chance for me to let you go, before I was engulfed in the feelings I had for you.

_Before I fell too deep into temptation._

It would be a painful goodbye for me, but since you were already thinking of me that way, it would be better and easier for me to bear the entire burden.

So I lied to you. I was a good actor after all.

I lied at how I **did **use Safu for my selfish purposes.

Your face fell, and I saw it all too clearly. It was like a stab to my chest. No. I was like multiple stabs straight at my heart.

But when I saw another one of the guards already aiming and firing towards you, I panicked and I couldn't help but instinctively take the bullet for you.

_I guess this would be the best thing for you, my angel._

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><p>I thought I was gone.<p>

Then I heard your voice again.

You saved my life.

_Again._

I opened my eyes to see you frantically searching my face for any reactions and your eyes softening before working on my wound again.

It was such a sense of déjà vu. So it really has been more then four years huh?

I wonder how I had live without you these four years. I know I had never stopped thinking about you for a second. How about you? Did you feel the same way?

But I couldn't ask for you to have the same feelings.

_I didn't want you to become a fallen angel._

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><p>I was vaguely aware that I was being carried. Everything was still groggy for me since you had given me a dose of anaesthetic, enough to numb my pain and also my senses.<p>

When you reached out for me, to take my hand so we could go back to the meeting point with Rikiga and Inukashi, I was barely able to will my hand to grab yours.

"_**BANG!"**_

A loud gunshot was heard and everything started moving in slow motion.

Too slow.

You started to fall backwards, with the bloodstain on your chest, right at your heart, visibly growing larger. I forced myself to reach out and grab you hand before we both tumbled down the shaft.

_I couldn't believe what was happening. I didn't want to believe what was happening._

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><p>I was completely numb even though the Correctional Facility was completely destroyed.<p>

I should be rejoicing.

But you're with me anymore.

You're already gone.

I couldn't save you.

It was all **my **fault.

I shouldn't have dragged you into all this.

_You shouldn't have led a life like this._

_You didn't deserve this._

_You didn't deserve to die!_

Why did you have to save me when you could have just escaped?

You wouldn't have ended up dead!

Even after I tried to make you let me go.

Even I have hurt you, time and again, you still saved me.

_I'm the one who's supposed to die, not you!_

_It's all my fault._

It's all my fault!

But there was nothing I could do but to lay there, right beside you. Maybe if I was lucky, I could join you in death.

I broke down again.

You were the only one who was able to make me feel like this.

You were the only one who was able to make me give up on life, just because the person who had meant the world to me has left me.

I had forgotten all my values.

To survive.

To not live for anyone else, to not have emotional attachments so that I wouldn't feel the need to protect, to sacrifice myself for others.

**The survivors are the victors in this world. **That was what I made myself to believe. But then I met you.

Despite me trying not to get emotionally attached to anyone, especially you, I failed to do so.

It was all my fault that you ended up with this cruel fate.

I wouldn't ask for your forgiveness, I don't deserve it either.

_But i just wanted to lay by your side right now._

* * *

><p>I started singing.<p>

I started singing Elyurias' song for you. But then I realized I was joined by Safu, who was also singing the same song.

The next thing I knew, you were looking at me, with the garnet orbs I grew to love, and called my name.

Many emotions burst within me at that moment.

Relief and happiness, that you are alive.

Regret, because of all that you had to go through because of me.

And finally sadness, because I know that this time, I really have to let you go.

I have to leave you.

I can't be around to put you in harm's way nor can I let you feel anymore pain.

You being around me all the time puts your very life in danger and I can't allow that.

_Even if it means that I will have to leave you, then so be it._

* * *

><p>Your dream came true.<p>

Your third option came true.

Now that everything was accomplished, it was the best time to bid farewell.

I gave you one last chaste kiss, because I was that selfish. But that would be the last time.

You seem to have sensed something amiss and you immediately chided me, reminding me of our promise to each other not long ago, no more lies and no more farewell kisses.

It was as if my burden was lifted off me when I saw the expressions in your eyes. No words were needed to be said for me to understand. And so, I tilted your face up to me again, and kissed you with all the feeling and emotions that I have for you, of which I have been suppressing up till now.

It was no longer a farewell kiss, but a kiss of a promise.

A promise that we made to each other that we will definitely meet again.

A promise, that once I had felt ready, I would return here, back home, to where you are.

You said you would always wait for me, no matter how old you get, you will patiently wait for me. And it was a promise.

And I couldn't help but agree to you.

I have stayed away for four long years, and everyday, every moment I was thinking of you.

_Did you think of me too?_

I know that when that time comes, I wouldn't be able to stay away for long, especially not after all the bonds we have shared during this period of time.

But I wasn't sure if I was right for you.

I was afraid.

I was afraid you'd change because of me.

_But even after all that has happened, you are still the Shion I know and love, and will always be, no matter what.  
><em>  
>It was foolish of me to think otherwise.<p>

I've decided.

I've decided I wanted to be selfish.

I was a tainted being. I wasn't fit to be with an angel.

I'm not supposed to be with an angel.

But I want to be selfish.

I want to be with Shion.

But for now, I needed to find myself again.

I needed to be the one who was able to protect Shion from anymore harm.

So I would leave.

I would wander around, from place to place, before coming back to you, Shion.

I know you didn't want me to leave. I could see it in your eyes. But you knew it was necessary for me to do this, and you trusted me with all your heart that I would stick to my promise.

_That I would come back to you again._

This would be the last time that I will hurt you again, Shion.

_I'm sorry, my angel. And thank you, for everything._

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><p><em>We will definitely meet again.<em>

_And when that happens, I will never leave you, ever again._

_But for now, please wait for me._

_I promise I will come back to you._

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><p><strong>AN: Well, that's that. Let me know what you guys think? (:**


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